


The End Of Us. But The Continuation Of You

by Tippytap



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Dysfunctional Relationships, Emotional Hurt, Everyone Needs A Hug, How Do I Tag, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, Love, M/M, Making Out, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:40:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26141254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tippytap/pseuds/Tippytap
Summary: Leaving is the only option he can see.Selfishly unselfish.For how else can Kurapika keep safe the ones he loves?
Relationships: Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 10
Kudos: 44





	The End Of Us. But The Continuation Of You

**Author's Note:**

> I am not all satisfied with this, but if I have to look at it any longer I *will* go bats.

He can't keep doing this...

* * *

Kurapika is lying flat on his back, one arm thrown across tightly shut eyes, teeth digging into his bottom lip as he tries impel his resolve, one last time.

He mustn't let his passions get away from him.

If he does, and as a result someone else he loves gets hurt. Or killed.

Again…

No, unthinkable. With a mental shout he banishes that thought from his mind.

He just can't come around any longer. It's as simple as that.

He wants to.

Oh, how he wants to.

He wants to sink back into Leorio's bed, curled, and practically hidden away in his arms, letting the bliss claim him once again.

He wants to stay here forever. In the last place he can ever feel any sort of belonging.

He wants…he wants this _life_ , that Leorio had promised him they could have.

But when he looks down at the man nestled peacefully beside him, Leorio's eyes shuttered, dark lashes just brushing his skin, his face so young and beautiful without his stress lines and those glasses he wore to make himself look cultured and mature, Kurapika can feel the chain in his heart tighten, and he knows.

It's impossible.

So, as silently as the ghost he feels he's becoming, he slips out of the bed and starts searching around the floor for his discarded clothes.

If he wasn't already so empty, he'd almost feel embarrassed at the frenetic way with which he'd shed them earlier that night.

"You're leaving?"

Kurapika shudders before he stiffens, he'd been half hoping he could get away without saying goodbye. But his shifting had instantly awakened Leorio. He is a hunter after all, and a doctor, he's used to sleeping light.

Silence meets his question.

Kurapika's face is turned away and stoic as he pulls on the last of his garments, and so there is a pause as Leorio works up to the next one.

His voice cracks as he speaks because this time, he knows, is different from all the other times Kurapika has snuck away. He can feel their dissolution closing in around them.

"…are you coming back?"

Kurapika just shakes his head.

_I can't._

Leorio bounds up and out of bed, tangling himself in the sheets and nearly tripping in his haste. He grabs at him. Embracing him. One arm around his waist, the other hand cupping the back of his head, holding him close.

Remembering him.

The way his skin, and bones, and muscles feel. The way his hair slides like silk against his wet cheek as he bows his head against him. The scent of him. The sound of his breathing, and the feel of his ribs rising and falling in time against him.

He squeezes him so tightly, fingers digging in so deeply, that Kurapika _knows_ there will be bruises.

But the only thing he can think, is to hope that they last. He wishes for them to stay forever, so that he always has something to remind him of this. This time, and this man, and the way he felt love.

Vaguely he wonders if he can rebruise himself, when they inevitably fade.

But even as the thought comes, he knows it won't be any use. They won't be the same.

"There's a home here for you."

Leorio's voice is watery and choked, but he does his best to hold back, Kurapika needs no more unnecessary guilt. Especially not from him. He won't be that selfish.

"And when you finally wake up and realize that, it'll _still_ be here."

But if a little bit comes out, he can't be completely blamed, now can he?

His hand comes up from Kurapika's back, to cradle the side of his face. His thumb strokes gently over his cheek, wiping away tears that were never intended to fall.

He leans down and kisses him, sealing all he can into that touch, each swallowing the other's breath.

They consume one another. Desperately they devour, lapping up every bit given to them and Kurapika is dizzy with it.

_Just a little more. Just a moment more. Just one-_

It is when his hand comes up to grip the back of Leorio's neck, that the other man breaks away. And even though Kurapika knows why he should, he still wishes he wouldn't.

"I love you."

Hands are gripping his shoulder, his chin, so that he can't look away.

"I _love_ you."

It's the truth. But the truth said so genuinely, so honestly, solely for Kurapika, with no regard to Leorio's own pain and emotions, that it feels like poison.

_And that's why I have to leave._

Kurapika pushes away from him, and there is a very awkward few minutes as he hunts for his shoes and Leorio pulls on his boxers. Kurapika trying all the while to be quick and not make any sort of eye contact with Leorio at all.

It is futile.

He finally finds them, and has his hand on the doorknob, when he hears a very quiet,

"You dropped this."

Turning halfway back, he sees what Leorio is holding. His earring, a red stain dangling between his fingers.

Leorio crosses the room, and gently replaces it. The pads of his fingers ghosting over Kurapika's ear and neck as he secures it to swing in it's familiar place.

And if the weight seems heavier than it did before Kurapika manages to convinces himself that it's just his imagination.

Leorio's fingers are light and nimble.

Sturdy.

He has a surgeon's hands, healers hands.

As he smooths Kurapika's hair, tucking a stray piece of it behind his ear, the last Kurta in the world wonders if blood and desolation can mingle so easily with antiseptic and stability.

Or if they even should.

Leorio presses a kiss to his forehead that lingers just a shade too long, as if he's taking that time to compose himself.

When he pulls away, his hands now come to rest on the top of Kurapika's shoulders. His smile is sad, but resigned. He knows he can't make Kurapika stay, so he's just trying to be grateful for the time he _did_ get. He counts it as one of his most precious things.

"Try to be careful? And drink some water once in awhile huh? You are so freaking dehydrated."

 _"He has the best heartbeat in the city, y'know."_ Melody had once told him, with a sly little smile that was most unexpected coming from her.

_"And yours improves whenever you're near him…it sounds better even now."_

These thoughts are _not_ helping, he has to go.

He has to go, he has to go, he has to g-

He surges forward.

Shaking arms wrap around a shocked yet willing neck. Shoving Leorio up against the wall, right next to the door, he plasters himself against him.

Hungry kisses, fuled by pure desperation. For he knows this will be last time he ever sees him again, and he's compelled to get as much of Leorio's taste under his tongue as possible.

 _This isn't fair,_ the voice in his head tries to say.

_You know you're not coming back. Why must you put him through this? Don't you love him? Then stop being so selfish. LEAVE!_

But for once Kurapika ignores the voice that normally has control.

He wants this. Just let him have it. For once let him have something possibly good without filling him up with guilt, eating away at his insides.

He'll take his penance and flagellation later, oh he most definitely will. But for now-

For now…

Leorio, with gentle, loving persistence, by solidly just _being_ there, for whatever Kurapika might need, has worn him down to his soft and vulnerable center. Small enough that he wasn't even aware it existed anymore.

So he holds Leorio, close and quiet. Throughout this whole ordeal he has yet to speak a word to him, and he makes love to him.

It's not in the…traditional sense, but what else could it be?

What else would you call the desperate touches, the frantic, bleeding kisses?

What else would you call a shaking, scarred body, pressed up as tightly as possible against a broader, clinging one?

What else would you call tears, and stifled sobs as they tried to lose themselves again, just for a moment? Trying not think about what will happen the moment either of them stop to breathe?

Kurapika loves him. Loves him so much that he can feel it twisting inside of him like a vine, grappling for supremacy over his heart.

Nature and life, verses conjured death.

_I love you. I love you too._

He feels it. With every fiber of his being, with whatever is left of his battered soul, he feels it.

But he can't say it. He could force the words out sure, and they would still be true even if they were unwilling. It's not that he doesn't want to, the desire to confess everything is an ache he swallows each day, it's why he never answers his phone, he doesn't trust himself.

Because he _wants_ to give Leorio this reassurance.

But he can't.

His life is too dangerous, he's made too many enemies.

To love Leorio is to kill him. A confession is as good as signing a death warrant.

So he believes, at least.

However, tonight, for the last time, _And it WILL be the last time_ , he can do this. He can show it.

He can imprint his love onto Leorio, so deep that there can be no doubts left. He owes him that, at least. Because he will leave no other explanation.

So he marks Leorio's skin, and does his best to shut out the babble of love and pleading falling on him from above. They both know it's no good, so why does Leorio keep trying? When did his resolve begin break?

Probably at the same time Kurapika's did.

When he threw himself against him, tangled the two of them together, and begged him to understand his silence.

All too soon he feels the itch under his skin that tells him it's time to leave.

It had begun when he had tried to leave earlier, and he'd stifled it. But he can no longer. The ghosts of the eyes are screaming at him, and the bubble that has been building in his chest is about to break.

He flings himself away,stumbling roughly back and gasping for breath, fingers scratching blindly at the door handle.

Leorio makes him feel alive, makes him want to hold on to life, and that's not something he is allowing himself anymore.

His hand closes around the knob. He's almost gone.

"Just…try not to hurt yourself?…because there's poeple who care for you, and they bleed when you do. So don't give me anything else to worry about, 'kay?

Leorio tries to keep his voice light, breezy. It doesn't work.

"Or at least...at least call the kids once, huh? If y'can't stand me anymore, okay, fine. But don't do this to them. Don't yank them along too. I can take it. But them, oh Kurapika, they are still so young…."

_Which is exactly why they can't associate with me. Don't you see? Can't you see Leorio? I must be cruel, so cruel, to be kind._

Kurapika shoves his fist against his mouth, biting down on the knuckle. He refuses to look up. He already has enough horrors to keep him company, he doesn't want to watch as Leorio crumbles.

He just shakes his head, the only apology he can give. He knows it's not enough, he's well aware of how woefully insufficient it is, but he is systematically shutting himself off on the inside. And with every switch he flips, the cold spreads further and deeper within.

"Goodbye...Leorio."

He steps through the doorway and is gone, with just a moment's brief hesitation, glancing back over his shoulder for a last look, then he is swallowed up by the wind and the dark.

The last thing that Leorio sees of him is red glint.

Twin coals, shining with regret, bright and exposed to the night. Before they are squeezed out and lost in shadows.

**Author's Note:**

> *just, frickin', screams into a pillow*


End file.
